I’ve hesitated talking about my experience through Ruth’s birth as I still haven’t fully recovered and in no way do I want to take away from the life Ruth had. I don’t really want the “woe-is-me” card or the “poor thing” sympathy - I mean it’s nice every-so-often when you want someone to get you a snack - but lets be honest, it’s a cheep feeling. I’ve decided to write what I experienced as a testimony - something to look back on, to document what God has done - so when someone looks back and sees this tragedy - they also look and see God’s goodness, mercy, compassion, and grace…
From the New Oxford American Dictionary:
GRACE: noun 3. (in Christian belief) the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings:
a divinely given talent or blessing
the condition or fact of being favored by someone
And to be completely raw, real, and honest - I know God is good. He’s proven it over and over to me - however it sure doesn’t feel that way right now - how could it? How could loosing Ruth be good?! (I’ve yelled that, cried that and questioned that daily). But! it’s like my knowledge and life’s experiences that point me to say He is good, but my hurt, sadness, and shock of what happened sure doesn’t feel good. I know my feelings will catch up with my knowledge, it always has - I mean how many times did I think it was horrible and sad that I broke up with a boyfriend and yet here I am married to the man of my dreams - a constant rock in my life. A different experience, for sure, but I give that example as proof that even when we think things are horrible, terrible, and simply don’t make sense - God has a perfect good plan.
“All things work together for good, to those that love God, to those who are called according to his purpose” Romans 8:28
His plan was to spare my life and take Ruth home to be with him. A plan I ask God about and question daily. It doesn’t make sense, it may never, but each day I am starting to learn and ask God - since you still want me here, what is your plan for me, what do you want me to do with this life you gave me and spared? I’ve never heard his audible voice, but I know he has asked me to be a wife, a mother, a sister, a friend, a neighbor…to the best of my abilities…and if he has other plans I know he will show me, so long as I keep asking him! And I should because I experienced grace…
Ruth’s birth was a horrible whirlwind of every worst case scenario you can think up when it comes to being pregnant. Complete honesty I litterly faced my worst fears all within 5 min - 1) Saying goodbye to my husband at the OR door, knowing I may never see him again, 2) Begging God to spare my baby’s life because it didn’t look good and 3) Being knocked out completely for an emergent c-section - they got her out in under a min. Why? I have no idea - I sound like a broken record to whoever lends an ear to listen - I don’t get it - however the struggle to save my life was not something that even crossed my mind. Even now - 4 weeks out - I am just starting to grasp the gravity of the situation - so let me be to the point - just facts - no emotion - its easier that way sometimes…
“You lost a lot of blood, so they’re going to monitor you in the ICU” my husband mentioned to me as they took Ruth away and started to “package me up” for the trip to the hospital. My medical knowledge was completely clouded by the fact that I was “narc’d up” from the OR anesthesia and pain meds (I didn’t get an epidural due to the emergent nature of the delivery), but the “ICU for blood loss” isn’t standard procedure postpartum, unless you’re like really bad... I looked at Josh, he was cool and calm - he’s my rock - but I could tell something in his eyes wasn’t right, but then again our child just died in his arms hours before, so I couldn’t read him. What he knew that I didn’t was that I was in DIC.
In the OR during Ruth’s quick delivery, I lost 1/2 my body’s blood ( 3,200ml) as the placenta had pulled away completely from the uterus once he “got in.” I had an excellent surgeon, but even in DIC they struggled get my uterus it to clamp down/stop bleeding and to make matters worse my fibrinogen was undetectable (that ain’t good). I was transferred to the adjacent hospital via ambulance, 3 critical care flight nurses and an OB nurse and then received blood products for the following 2 days. My ICU “visit” was 4 days and then 2 more back at women’s hospital the high risk unit where I learned to walk again, with a walker - how humbling. I received over 8 units of blood and 12 units of blood products. Josh refused to go home the first night in the ICU - I thought he was just as sad as I was - which I’m sure he was - but he was more worried of how I was teetering on the edge of “doing ok” and “not.”
That first night was horrible. I was scared because I was so weak I could only move my head, I saw my vitals for the first time and they weren’t great, and there was pain like I never knew - I was scared to drop my blood pressure by pressing the PCA [pain pump], so I tried to tough it out as long as I could, praying I’d fall asleep. When I did finally press my pain pump I’d fall asleep for an hour or so - Josh said I moaned most of the night in my sleep. Waking up every hour, I was greeted with the fresh reality of where I was, what happened, and I would cry and cry and cry - not from the pain - but from from the emotional loss and knowledge of loosing a child.
I wish I could say each day that sadness has gotten better - I mean overall it has, but gosh there are days where it feels so fresh and I succumb to crying until the tears just won’t come anymore (I never would have believed that happens, but it does.)
‘I am worn out from my groaning, all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow and they fail because of all my foes. Away from me all you who do evil, for the Lord has heard my weeping. The Lord has heard my cry for very; the Lord accepts my prayer.”
Psalm 6:6
So began this long long road of recovery, emotional and physical. When I got home form the hospital, I needed two people to help me up the 3 steps to get into our house, i fell asleep often wherever I was and then all the other normal C-seciton stuff - like needing help sitting on the toilet( because of all the blood loss I was so weak, I often needed someone to help me get up) or getting into and out of bed. Each day has gotten better, I can hold Caleb now, just can’t carry him far, and I look forward to when I no longer have pain or limitations to where I am constantly reminded of what happened -but God has given me grace because he has a purpose and a plan for what I need to do still and while I don’t enjoy my limitations currently - I am forced to learn, to listen, and to talk with God.
A sweet friend gave me a bible verse card when I was in the ICU that said “The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 24:18, and in talking through all my feelings with Josh one night he encouraged me to talk to God, tell him everything. He said, if God is going to allow us to go through this tough hard, broken hearted time, he says he’s close, so I’m going to tell him everything because I know he is so close and listening.
Written Jan 2022
